Hundreds of thousands of people are fleeing California for states like Texas and Florida, but it’s not always easy to adjust to life in an American state. Warning: the following is satire.
Let’s look at the 10 biggest adjustments fleeing Californians must make in their new states:
- Strange wet stuff falls from the sky occasionally. Try not to drive your car into a pole when this happens. Take a deep breath. You will get through it.
- People don’t say “The” in front of highway names. If you’re driving on I-10 in Texas, you’ll feel the urge to say, “The 10,” but don’t do it. It’s wrong.
- You can’t wear flip-flops to church. Not even your “nice” Vans flip-flops. Put on shoes like an adult.
- There’s no need to call the police if you see someone with a gun strapped to their hip. It’s OK. The guns can’t jump out and hurt you, no matter what Newsom told you back in California.
- “Bless your heart” doesn’t mean “bless your heart.” Well, it might mean “bless your heart,” but it’s a safer bet that it means “that person’s weird,” or “you’re an idiot,” or “I don’t like you.” Or it’s a simple ending to a statement you’ve made about someone that you don’t want to feel bad about.
- No one cares about your preferred pronouns. Go ahead and tell an old farmer in Oklahoma that you go by “they” pronouns. The look on his face will be worth it.
- Man-buns are unacceptable in a professional setting. Or any setting.
- You must go into buildings without any kind of official warning that something inside there might cause cancer. You will just have to take the chance. Be strong.
- The weather cycles from hot to cold and back again on an annual basis. Do not be alarmed. These are called “seasons.”
- You might have to make your own choices and take responsibility for your actions without the government taking care of you. This is the most difficult adjustment for Californians to make when they move to America, but with time, prayer (also acceptable in red states), and willpower, you can do it!
Those are just a few of the many adjustments ex-Californians will have to make. If you’ve thought of any others, please leave them in the comments below to help these poor communists to enjoy capitalism away from their homeland.
What do you think? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org